She was someone I loved enough to stay away from her. I decided a breakup with her would be far worse than never knowing her. I was not very poplar, smart, or good-looking, and I didn't really have any friends. I was in quite a bit of trouble and poor, too. So, I never pursued her.
A few years ago, I saw a picture of her on facebook. The feelings were still there. I wanted to research and find out more about her life and how happy she was without ever knowing me. As I scrolled down, I read the devastating post underneath, "I can't believe you have been gone 25 years."
I remember the day I first saw her. She walked into Spanish class. She sat in the second row from the right, about 4 seats from the front. I sat on the front row, all the way to the left. I was early to class every day so I could see her walk in right past me and sit down out of my field of view. I dare not turn and look at her. The feelings would have been too much for me to fight off. I would ruin everything.
Within a short time, I had deemed that I was in no way worthy of her attention. I chose to stay out of her life. I was average and poor and not very well received by my generation. I felt I could do nothing but harm to her life. She was clearly better off without pressures from the likes of me. I remained quiet. I left her undisturbed. I never pursued her. I stayed out of her orbit, so as to not get pulled in and ruin her life. I never hinted at my feelings for her. I buried them so deep no one would ever find them, not even me.
This is hitting me like it just happened. No one in my circle understands. I don’t even understand. I have no one to talk to about it. I feel stupid talking about how hard it has hit me when friends and family of hers clearly hurt worse. I do not feel like I have the right to mourn since I intentionally stayed out of her life. But the pain is so real. It hurts so bad; I cannot believe it.
If I could go back in time, would I go back and change my mind and pursue her, or would I go back that fateful night and try to save her?
There is no guarantee a life with me would happen and there is no guarantee she would be happy with that life. Do I risk that? The heartbreak of losing her would be unbearable. It has only been bearable through the years knowing she was probably living a happy life and was happier than I could ever make her. But my heart is breaking right now, in an unbelievable way.
Do I save her and leave her to live a happy life without me? There is no guarantee anything would change. My heart would not feel like it does now. I have already resigned myself to a life without her. This is the safe answer. But doing the safe things in life is what created my conundrum to begin with.
I wrote this poem about her. I see her pictures and she is just stuck in that time in my mind. She never changes. Always happy. Always beautiful. Always my hopelessly-distant unrequited love. And it is all my own doing.
"Never love something so much that you can't let go of it." —Ginni Rometty
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